Indian Disillusion

India, A Moment of Space without Distraction to Experience the Self (Written in May, 2010) I am still in India. I’ve spent a lot of my time on this trip thinking, “What am I doing here?” I don’t mean here in India or the Himalayas. I mean here, the planet earth. My friend Chris says that this is the planet of experiencing an emotional body. We choose to be here to participate in an experiment and to heal our emotional bodies. Chris says many things, but as I see it now, I can realise and understand very little of it. Understanding means action, and me, I stand still. This journey has been very hard for me, not physically or financially, but emotionally. It’s primarily been an inner journey for me. Whenever I have this much time to myself with so little distraction, I go deeper and deeper and deeper inside. And what do I find? Just more pain, more fear, more aggression, more hate, even thoughts of suicide. And all these strong feelings pump up here in India, where I have been traveling for five months. Can somebody feel like this, even while she or he is living their dreams? A journey like this has always been a dream of mine. I wanted just to go off and leave behind all the worries of day-to-day life, like earning money, managing an office, taking care of a house, dealing with traffic, going shopping, keeping up social connections, etc. I wanted to be free, free from everything that ties me to my personality, my ideas about life, my past, my parameters, my conditions. And this dream became a reality. I wanted to know who I really am, and this dream gave me a load of time to “experience” myself. And I cannot believe what I have discovered, that I have so much pain and anger. I feel like I don’t deserve to live. I know very well that this is just one of my realities. This is a trap I create for myself. Self-sabotage. I put myself down; I look at myself without any respect during moments of feeling ugly and small. I push myself down, down, and at the same time, I look for justification for my actions to excuse what I do to myself. It’s like being closed in a cycle, a circle of being my own victim and being a tyrant to myself. And while I’m here in this circle, I eliminate the possibility of experiencing reality, enjoying life, breathing, and feeling real. Today I was in the Himalayan mountains. I was just sitting in silence. I finally got a clear picture, the next step that I must make. I must realise that whenever I start to feel unloved, rejected, unappreciated, I start to fall into the trap, and I fall so deep that I drastically change my reality. When I don’t want to live or to breathe, I feel unworthy of existence. So today I decided that I must drop it. It is not me, and it is not real. It’s just leftovers from whatever I experienced in my past. I don’t want to continue to push myself into this shit. This thought and understanding was so clear in my mind until I connected to the internet and called Chris on Skype... (there is more to that in WRITINGS)